Today, I Killed Myself

I hope that today’s title caught your attention.  Don’t worry, dear readers, I’m not talking about committing suicide or anything.  I know that I deal with depression now and then, but this isn’t one of those times.  Instead, this is a wake up call to myself, and, honestly, this post is as much to the me of tomorrow as it is to you.

Today, I killed myself.  It is far from the first time, and it will not be the last either.  What I mean by that is that today, I am a different person than I was yesterday.  I will be another person again tomorrow as well.  I will kill myself again and again, ever changing, ever evolving, until I become the person I want to be, fully realized, true and real.  Until that time, I will murder the me of yesterday every day as I strive to become that better thing.

Yesterday, I was a coward.  Yesterday, I was slovenly.  Yesterday, I hid myself from others.  I was a thing, not a person, a creep, filled with desires and no drive to obtain them.  Not a person, just a machine walking through each day in a haze of sleep, game, work.  It wasn’t a life, it was an existence.

Today, today, my friends, myself of tomorrow, I am brave.  I will face the dangers and uncertainty of life and laugh in the face of scorn.  Today, I am clean.  I will not abide myself to put off cleaning until the sink is full of rot and stink, or the trash has overflown into a second bag.  Today, I will not hide, for I no longer fear rejection.  Rejection is not something to be afraid of, it is simply a lesson in what not to do.  Today, I am a human.  I will fall, I will fail, but I will get up and try again.  I’m not a machine, stuck in a single rut, but able to learn, adapt, and eventually, get it right.

I can learn anything if I put my mind to it.  Today, I am learning Japanese.  Tomorrow, perhaps I will learn the saxaphone, or how to program, or maybe what it feels like to swim in the ocean late at night.  By learning, I will improve myself even further.  By learning, I will continue to evolve.  I will not stop learning.

Today, I killed myself that tomorrow I may truly live.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

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