Back, and maybe more insightful than ever!

First off, sorry about the very long delay in updates.  It’s been a crazy moth for me, moved (twice!) went to a convention (MagFest, which I have to post about at length on its own) and generally done a lot of soul searching.  We’ll get to each of those points though.

So, if you’ve been wondering where the Loon has gone, as I mentioned before, I was not able to renew my lease on my old house, and so I had to move.  On Christmas weekend, basically.  For the record, there really aren’t a lot of places to rent at the end of december where I live.  So, I had to move in with a friend for a few weeks so that I could get a new place, as it wouldn’t be free until mid-January.  No problem!  Turns out, bit of a problem: the place I was moving to had no internet in the part I would be staying at.  And so no internet means no posts.  Gomen.

But Loon, that only covers you until mid January!  Tomorrow is Valentines day, a whole month later!  (Really, has it been that long?  o.o)  True fact though, and very observant, strange interloper.  Remember how I mentioned MagFest?  Well, I went to that, but I left early to go and see my SO (see previous posts about SO) and hopefully have some fun times, make up for not really being able to see each other over Christmas, etc.  Maybe sort out what the hell we’re even doing (PS: don’t save time BEFORE a fun event to figure out what the hell you’re doing in a relationship, the “good moment” does not come until after).  Of course, SO has great internet, but I’m a lazy slob who was on vacation and didn’t have a computer, just a (broken) Surface 2.  And by broken, I mean the touch screen died in transit, so no unlocking the machine.  This is my sad face.

Anyway, MagFest itself was great.  SO and I had fun together, though we didn’t mend things like I’d hoped, instead we just fell into our normal holding pattern.  I’m too spineless to say anything really, and I think SO is pretty much the same.  I’ll get back into a lot of this later too.  Did I mention that it’s gonna be a long post, because it is?

Finally, after MagFest, I got home and started moving things over.  I’ve been here now for about two weeks, and I still have a tall order of boxes left to unpack, but at least I have the computer plugged in again and everything.  Hooray for progress!

But Loon, what about the soul searching you mentioned?  Oh be patient, strange interloper, we’re getting there.  You see, I’ve been putting off to tomorrow what I can do for awhile, instead just letting myself get comfortable in the fallout of everything that’s happened.  I’ve gone through a lot of changes, from those mentioned above to changes at work (no, I’m not going into them, suffice it to say that the changes are net neutral to me, for now, but are still changes), and even in my games such as my Live Action Role Play (LARP), where my character is moving up the ranks politically.  Or rather, two of them are.  And no, I won’t post about that either, no clue who reads this stuff, and I don’t want to accidentally give a rival the ammo they need on me, after all.  ;)

Anyway, with all that change, I’ve been craving the ability to just sit down and do nothing each night, so I’ve been doing the next best thing and have been watching anime and reading manga.  I’ll post up full reviews later, of course, (there I go pushing off today and all that, but trust me, it’ll be worth it), but for now, suffice it to say that I’ve been learning a lot about myself as I’ve been engrossing myself into the works of others.

Perhaps this next part should be its own post, I honestly don’t know.  It should has enough weight that it could, and maybe I’ll pul it out and post on it some more later, who knows.  Anyway, one thing that I’ve noticed is that the stuff I’ve been gravitating to have been sweet, Slice of Life stuff with a nice fantasy kick, like When Supernatural Battles Become Commonplace and I Couldn’t Become A Hero So I Got A Job instead (wow, both of those are a mouthful to say), and reading manga like Inside Mari.  And really, it was while I was reading Inside Mari that things really clicked for me.  I’m sure a lot of this will be covered when I go and do my review of that work, which will likely be my next post (or post after next if MagFest wins out by seniority of event).

Anyway, so the big thing to Inside Mari is a persistent question that is never directly asked, but across all three main characters you can easily see a dynamic of it: if you could look at your life through another’s eyes, what would you see?  How does that view match up with other you view yourself?  Or how others view you?

Personally, I know that I view myself differently than how others view me.  I’m an intellectual person at heart, and I like to think that I’m fairly observant.  But at the same time, I have body image issues and self-worth issues in general.  I do things that I’m not proud of simply because they make me feel good at the time.  In essence, I’m human.  I know (in no small part because I’ve been told) that people think that I’m a great person, I’ve even been called a paragon before (it was hard not to laugh at that one), but it’s a lie, and I know it.  There are those who know the truth, they see a different me.  My SO is one of them, to a large extent.  You, my dear readers, are another.  A very small select few of you known me possibly better than I know myself even, because you have this, and you actually know who the Loon is (thanks for keeping the secret by the way!).  A lot of my soul searching was about that divide.  When I started this blog more than three months ago, I thought that I would provide a raw look at myself, hiding only my identifying factors (name, gender, location, etc).  I still intend to keep to that for the most part, but I decided that I’m not going to censor myself simply because it is a clue to who I am.  Sure, I’ll still obfuscate things like where I live, and I’m never telling you my name, but I don’t really care if you figure out other parts of me, I won’t really hide it anymore.

Something that I noticed while I was reading is that I would hit these important introspective moments, those pages where you know that the writer wanted you to examine yourself even, decide what your choice would be, and then hopefully grow from it.  I was hitting these points, but I wasn’t growing, I’d think about it, realize the point and even agree with it, but in the end, I’d just turn around and go back to me.  Tonight, it just finally hit me that I have to do more than that.  If I want to be better, I can’t just read manga, or self help books, or really anything; I have to instead put those teachings and thoughts into practice.  Become the better me.  I can grouse that I wasn’t taught human interactions well when I was younger and remain stuck in a rut with a loveless relationship for the sake of having a relationship (sidenote: SO, if you do read this and figure out that it’s me, I do actually love you, but it is the love of a friend, not the love of a marriage partner, and I suspect the same from you), or I can start making those mistakes I should have made in high school, if not sooner.  And come what may, I’ll always post what I’ve learned here, both for myself and for you.  Wish me luck as I turn this page.

Ja ne!

The Ranting Loon

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